opus_clementi's Xanga

If only

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 14:02:43 GMT

First of all. I want to say, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry for what I have done you. I'm sorry that I hurt you deeply. I'm sorry for all the tears you let out because of me. I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry.

What you have said is true. All of it. 100% accurate. Every sentence, every word. It's all true. I am the definition of cruel. Heartless. A big old jerk. How could I have done this to you? In what sense could I justify my actions? Why did I hurt you?
Worst of all, I knew my actions had hurt you. And I still didn't do anything to amend them. I didn't apologize. I just went on being my horrible self. Day by day, you still stood by me. Day by day you wept because of me. Day by day I hurt your feelings. Yet you still wanted to be with me. How thoughtless. How immensely inconsiderate I am to you. You truly cared about me. You truly cherished me. You truly loved me. But I treated you like dirt. Where can you find such love and loyalty? Where can you find a person as beautiful as you. Everybody has their own faults and shortcomings . But that gives me no right to mistreat you. I took you for granted.

You called me when I was sick. You made me that honey drink. I still remember its sweetness. I still remember the card you gave me. The key chain. The sweets. I should have spent more time with you. I should have smsed you more. I should have at least called. Instead I broke you down. I deprived you of any emotional sustanence. I'm so sorry. I really should have walked back with you. Instead I made you cry.

I still wonder how you could have continued on to like me.

I still wonder how you feel right now.

I still wonder if you still have feelings for me.

You think of me often. I hardly give notice about. Can you see the difference? Its like Beauty and the Beast. But this time the beast is real. Horrid. Not some handsome prince who conceals his goodness and such. I don't what to do. I miss you. The things you have done for me I truly treasure. I have never met a person that nice to me. Willing to do anything humanly possible. Someone who loves me for who I am. I don't what to do now. If only I could have changed the past. If only. If only.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 13:43:32 GMT

I'm feeling tremendously crappy right now so instead of moaning and groaning about it I'm gonna try to remember all my happy memories which are indeed minute in numbers...

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The time you held my hand,
The time you saved a seat for me,
The day we spent together,
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The time you smsed me,
The first time I called you,
The time I talked with you,
The time I waited with you,
The time you said you would miss me,
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The day I spent with you,
The first time I heard you on the phone,
The sms you sent to me,
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this is not working at all...

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 08:40:39 GMT

reÂ·alÂ·iÂ·zaÂ·tion (rÄ“'É™-lÄ-zÄ'shÉ™n) pronunciation
n.

1. The act of realizing or the condition of being realized.
2. The result of realizing.

Thesaurus

realization

noun

1. The condition of being fulfilled: consummation, culmination, fruition, fulfillment, materialization. See do/not do, happy/unhappy.
2. The condition of being in full force or operation: actualization, being, effect, materialization. See be.
3. One's artistic conception as shown by the way in which something such as a dramatic role or musical composition is rendered: execution, interpretation, performance, reading, rendering, rendition.

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real. â€” Iris Murdoch (1919-1999)

The noun realization has 6 meanings:

Meaning #1: coming to understand something clearly and distinctly
Synonyms: realisation, recognition

Meaning #2: making real or giving the appearance of reality
Synonyms: realisation, actualization, actualisation

Meaning #3: a musical composition that has been completed or enriched by someone other than the composer

Meaning #4: a sale in order to obtain money (as a sale of stock or a sale of the estate of a bankrupt person) or the money so obtained
Synonym: realisation

Meaning #5: the completion or enrichment of a piece of music left sparsely notated by a composer

Meaning #6: something that is made real or concrete
Synonyms: realisation, fruition

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I realize...

On behalf of a friend

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 14:55:09 GMT

Do people usually hate themselves? Is this a normal phenomenon? Do people have to find some way, link or cause to associate themselves with the root of the problem? Is it self-destructive human nature? I had my very own encounters with people who have the exact opposite attitude.

Anyway, self-hate and self-destructive being my nature, I have to think, to say, to pronounce that its either my actions, my words, my non-rational decisions that hurt people, cause people to hate me, despise, the feeling of utmost unease. It's me, I just know it.

I wish things were back the way they were. Simple in its very own unique way. Laced with happy moments and momentos. Things are best left simple because once things get complicated, everything can go wrong. It starts off with friendship, eventually if the settings are just right, feelings get born. I guess its unintentional right? It just happens...

But keeping it inside is such torture. The pressure builds up. Eventually a release must be in order. Its like climbing up to the top of the swimming pool. The temptation to just let go and dive into the beautiful blue waters that lie below. The refreshing sensation is thought to be lovely. But it has consequences. Such and experience does not come without its own hefty price. Once you jump, you are pass the point of no return. Only thing to do is brace for impact.
You could seriously injure yourself or you can just gracefully splash into the water without harm. Well, being on the unfortunate side, I got hurt...Seriously hurt.

Well being nice to a person is one thing, but TOO nice is another. You might not even notice it but being exceptionally kind to a specific person can have severe side effects. Namely the person will start to feel uncomfortable!!! Hear me? Yes uncomfortable so don't do it okay? You're riding yourself head on into a brick wall. Now things being the way they are, I can hardly find any hope. The situation is beyond repair. No sunlight means everything will deteriorate, wither away and cease to exist. Please help me out of this misery.

Can I get a woot woot?

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 13:08:57 GMT

She said yes. She accepted me, as her..You know...So I'm happy, she's happy.. But..There's always the but...she doesn't seem so..Um how to say..Affectionate? Or maybe it just takes time... She did try to find me in school all day... Staying back to accompany her tomorrow ^^

What do I do now??

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 13:49:43 GMT

Hmmm I can say anything here. It's nice. Like talking to myself. let me start...

I can't find the courage to talk to her. I have mixed feelings about the whole situation. She's nice, one of the best people I have ever come to meet. Smsing and chatting her is easy. But to actually meet her...I feel nervous..Does it mean I have feelings for her? I said I would accompany her tomorrow. I won't forget. She thinks I won't go along with the plan but I don't want to fail her..Again..

She doubts her feelings for me. Same here. My mind..is useless right now..Just have to see how things go tomorrow I guess..Does she really like me? Or is it just sisterly love? She did want a petbro..And then I came along..She's not sure...I better assure her..Must overcome myself..Be confident..She SMSED! YAY...I'll go through it! For her!

...

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 06:47:20 GMT

Life sucks don't you know?

Random Story?

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 10:41:47 GMT

He was uncertain. Eyes darting around the corridors. As the rain grew softer, silent whisperings in his mind said 'This is it.' Gently probing what lie ahead, he was yet again undecisive. To carry out what he wanted to do for such a long time. To set himself at rest, content, mixed feelings of compassion.

She gracefully stepped out and into the open air. His senses sharpened. 'No more thinking.' He nervously stepped around following the same route with caution. Glancing at his make believe watch, he assured himself he still had time. The front entrance lie ahead, just a few more meters. Just then her friend popped up and conversed with her. Even without reading her lips, he knew what she was talking about. A ride home...

All his hopes dashed down in less than a few seconds. Induced with sadness he was ready to admit defeat. Or so he thought. She turned down the offer while her friend still yelled about the offer. Her mind was made up. She was walking home alone this time. 'Huh? Why? You want to be alone?' said his mind, yet he was rejuvenated and more determined than ever. Letting her go a few paces in front of him, he waved towards his other companions while he was still ready to make his move all simultaneously. She really brought out the best in him.

Ready to dash for his chance, his buddy called out to him from afar. hesitantly he trotted back and confronted his friend.'Hey walking home? Can I walk with you?' said the buddy while on his bike. His mind was shouting NO! NO! NO! and he replied simply that he was walking in another direction and turned down the offer even though his conscience said otherwise.

Retreating back to his former route, hoping not to have lost sight of her, he was relieved when he saw her making her way home. So he gathered up all his courage to go ahead and talk to her. Yet again his plans were foiled by another acquaintance who made conversation with him. Defensive he made small talk and told him he was going accompany a friend home. His conscience didn't fail to remind him of his doing but he had silenced all of it for later.

So with a deep breath he called out her name. Her head turned and yet again he was stunned by her beauty. He stuttered a bit but managed to inform her that he was going the same path as her to visit a friend. Her tone of voice didn't suggest that she really believed him. And with good reason for it was all a phoney lie. As they walked a long the roads listening to the gentle splatter of puddles as the cars went by, he digged his mind for a topic to converse about. 'It's always hard to talk when you want to isn't it?' commented his mind yet again.
Finally he managed to talk about the recent happenings and events all the while savouring the moment. But after some observation his enthusiasm was relinquished for her facial gestures suggested that she was uncomfortable with the whole situation. Her head constantly to the ground signaled to him that this was quite a mistake.

As her house was in sight, he admitted to himself that failure had taken over and wanted to cease causing her to feel that way. He squeaked out a quick goodbye and made way towards his so-called friend's house on the other road. Making sure she had safely entered her house he started to jog away.

His mind was blank. He was wounded. Nothing could make him feel better at that moment. He thought of hitting himself in which he eventually did. He came home feeling different. He was... Emotionless. All he thought of was not to think about her, and yet he checked his phone for messages, desperate for some socializing. Three sms ads. His heart sank deeper.

And so he lie there, making up his mind. Never to do nor think about what had happened today. To forget. For memories so painful that it destroys any form of happiness. He closed his eyes. Nothing happened. His mind had turned into an endless void. He obstructed himself from feeling anything, for his world was empty, lifeless, lonely.

hmph...

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 09:57:33 GMT

Came back from co-curriculum..Body is not really responding right now. Made a fool out of myself during the UBK meeting..More homework to be done yet here I am lazing about. Not a care in the world. It all doesn't matter anymore. It's all..Transient.

***

Lie in me, my other half. Self-destructive, wound inducing, pain is the middle name. With no happiness, no compassion, he waits...For that moment in which he gets his freedom..Where everything goes wrong. His undeniable force that strives to hurt everything he sees. Hope is lost...Hope is lost.

Treading a fine line

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 06:59:36 GMT

So I've gotten much better at 'Batu Seremban' (Confidence increases)
Will See how it goes..Ho hum..School seems to be so monotonous these days, ntgh much really..Just homework and study...Gerak gempur..Guess that means study right? Yep..Study bunny..

Anyway, there's this girl i met quite a while ago. I don't mean to sound as if i'm so great or anything but...I think...She likes me...
Sounds stupid huh? Well..There has been a lot of 'signs'...
Really don't know.. I like her too but..but..You know..The but issue...
I don't think she'll admit it anytime soon because of certain conditions and consequences that would arise following the action..Simply put..it's a complicated thingamajigabob...It's like trying to fly in the air, turn it upside down, and eat potatoes with you hands tied behind your back and a cork wedged into your nostrils..Doesn't make sense right? It's like the situation is such that you know you can't do anything and should not expect anything but yet, the feeling is there.

Compressed and locked inside you..Seeking to get out..To be free...To be with that special someone? But yet it is oppressed with utmost prejudice and given a life sentence..